If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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