It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
