No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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