Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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