Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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