the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
