So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
