You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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