I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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