im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
