I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
