I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
