My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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