Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
