It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
