i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
