She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
