She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
