I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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