i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
