I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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