I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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