she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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