Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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