He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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