i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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