How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
