No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i need some magic done to my vagina
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
