bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
