biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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