I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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