So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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