after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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