FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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