Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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