I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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