i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
