So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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