guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
