First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
