Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
