i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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