i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
