need another drink. this is the easiest way
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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