So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
