Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
