Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
