Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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