New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
