I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
