I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
